


Close My Eyes For A While

by swordmemorykey



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: M/M, Sonia Kaspbrak Being Terrible, Sonia Kaspbrak's A+ Parenting, Strong Language, also i tagged graphic depiction of violence bc bowers is in this so obviously Shit Happens, also the eddie/richie isnt until the end, bowers' gang is here so theres some anti-gay slurs, for almost the entirety of the story eddie thinks his attraction isnt reciprocated, georgie is alive because im the author and i said so, i tagged it anyway cus yeah but just in case you were looking for them to be major, swearing cus its the losers but also, thats not this, theres exactly One line abt bill/stan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-25 00:27:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21108494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swordmemorykey/pseuds/swordmemorykey
Summary: Isn't it funny how fast your parent can turn on you? Eddie doesn't think so.(Eddie gets kicked out of his house for being gay. It is absolutely as sad as you think it will be.)





	Close My Eyes For A While

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "I Gave You All" by Mumford and Sons

"Where you going, faggot?" Bowers sneered as he and his goons caught Eddie by the arms and lifted him so that he couldn't run.

"Hey asshole, get off me!" Eddie shrieked and writhed in Ugly Guy's and Blond Douche's arms. Fuck, when did Blond Douche get so strong?

"Fag like you probably enjoys this, huh? Being manhandled?"

Oh, so Bowers was letting Slightly Better Mullet talk now. Eddie voiced just as much. "You're allowed to talk now? Oh joy of joys." That earned him a punch in the gut. Was no adult concerned about the kid being carried and punched by four guys significantly larger than him? No? Nobody? Fucking Derry.

After a few minutes of more carrying, more antagonizing, and more bodily harm, Eddie was finally dropped back onto the ground. However, he wasn't safe long. Almost as soon as his feet hit the ground, Bowers had him pinned to the bridge's railings. Eddie wondered, if he ran his fingers low enough, would he be able to feel the small E+R he had carved in? That thought left his mind as soon as Bowers produced a knife from his pocket. There was no way that knife was sanitary.

"Hey, we can talk about this." Eddie tried to reason, leaning back as far as he could. There was no way he could mask the panic in his voice.

"Oh, is the little fairy boy scared? Are you scared, fairy?" Bowers taunted, twirling the knife in front of Eddie's face. "I'm going to carve fag on you so you always remember how disgusting you are." Eddie's heart rate spiked. He really needed his inhaler right now. To make matters worse, Bowers first licked the knife. His disgusting germs would be in Eddie's bloodstream.

He didn't even care how pathetic he sounded now. "No, please, don't! No, god, no-AGH." His pleading tapered off into screaming as the knife plunged into his stomach enough Eddie knew he would have a scar but not enough to truly kill him, even if each cut felt like he was dying.

It ended, though. And once Bowers was done with his arts and crafts project, he let Eddie go, pushed him to the ground, and proceeded to kick him right where the cuts were.

"See you later, fag," he called as he and his friends went off into the dark, laughing and pushing each other while Eddie lay on the ground, covered in blood and dirt and hoping that anyone came along to help him up.

He only got the strength to stand when he realized that lying on the ground would only make it more likely that the cuts would get infected. As fast as he could hobble, Eddie went to the drug store and hoped it wasn't closed yet. Bowers hadn't taken any of the money in Eddie's fanny pack, thankfully, and he got there just minutes before Mr.Keene was set to close up shop. He had just enough for some things to patch himself up with and picked up his renewed prescription as well.

As he entered his house, he only had a few seconds to panic about what his mom would do once she saw him before the devil herself appeared before him like a vengeful spirit. She looked pissed off for only a moment until she looked Eddie head to toe and saw the state he was in. With an, in Eddie's opinion, overdramatized gasp, she grabbed him and started rushing him upstairs, yelling the whole time about 'how did this happen?' and 'who did this to you?'

Eddie feebly tried to stop her from lifting up his shirt and seeing the shame underneath but it was no use. No mother was as overbearing as Sonia Kaspbrak. She lifted his shirt and all Eddie could do was look at the ceiling and pray to a god he didn't believe in that she wouldn't question it.

"Eddie, what is this?"

God really doesn't exist. If god did exist, this would definitely not be happening. He would be stitching himself back up and nobody would need to know. Or he wouldn't be hurt at all. God would have realized their mistake in creating Henry Bowers and would have smote him down before he could even think of picking up a knife. But god doesn't exist so there was no reason for him to be lamenting over it.

Eddie couldn't respond. He was frozen in place, staring at the peeling wallpaper around the edges of the wall closest to the ceiling and attempted to catch his breath. 

"Edward Kaspbrak, why did somebody carve 'fag' into your stomach?" She paused for a moment before raising her voice. "Eddie."

"Bowers did it. He does that."

"He must have had a reason."

"Wh-" Had he misheard her? "What?"

"This couldn't have been unprompted."

Eddie felt like he was legitimately going to have a heart attack. Had he taken his medicine when he needed to? His heart was beating so fast, he was sure he would need a defibrillator after this interaction. Did she just imply what he thinks she just implied? Was she guessing? 

Was it that obvious?

Because, yes, Eddie Kasprak is indeed gay. He had never even wanted to be with a girl. Even that day at the lake when everyone else was staring at Bev, Eddie only joined in so as not to raise suspicion. The actual person he wanted to look at was sitting next to him, cracking stupid jokes and grinning the whole time. 

But, the thing is, nobody else knew. Not even his friends. So he really wanted to know how his mom had come to that conclusion.

"Mom, he's just like that. He calls everyone a fag." The word tasted sour on his tongue but he didn't let it show. He was supposed to be unaffected by words like that. "There's really no prompting, promise. He chooses someone and they get beat. That's how he works."

His mother didn't respond, just continued staring at the cuts on Eddie's torso. 

"But if you were…" His mom trailed off.

"I'm not," Eddie stated.

"Try that again more convincingly."

"I'm not," he said again, hopefully with enough validity in his tone that his mother would accept the lie and move on. His mom looked at his face for an uncomfortably long time before she started to clean the wound and stitch it back up. Eddie could barely look. If he thought the knife felt like death, the needle and thread felt like purgatory. The methodical stitching of his skin back together burned but he wouldn't let the scream fall from his lips. Not again. Not when it had accomplished nothing the first time.

When she was done with her handy work, she took a moment to take in her son. Covered in dirt, scars in his stomach spelling out 'fag.' She was already the laughing stock of the town. Eddie's disease would just ruin her reputation even more. With no emotion in her voice, she spoke as only a selfish parent could. "Pack and never come back."

Eddie felt like he was crashing through the floor of an abandoned house. His eyes were on the verge of tears and he could feel his throat restricting (he doesn't have pills for this). It's like the air was being torn from his lungs. He would start hyperventilating soon. "What?"

"This is one disease I can't cure you from, Edward. You have to go."

She was using his full name. Fuck, she was using his full name.

His voice sounded pathetic even to his own ears. "Where will I go?" Because she wouldn't just send him out there to die, would she? She was too overbearing to just cut him loose for a rumor and a reputation.

Apparently, she wasn't overbearing enough because her stance did not change. "Somewhere else. Just not this house. This house has no room for a queer."

Eddie physically recoiled. The tears were really threatening to spill now. "Mom, please, I-"

"Get out."

"Mom-"

"Out."

He took one more look at his moms face before he ran to his room and started packing as fast as he could through the tears and pain. He only had two bags he could fill. Fuck. He stuffed as many changes of clothes as he could fit, along with whatever else he cared about too much to leave behind to get thrown away later. In the space that was left, he tucked toothbrushes, toothpaste, body wash, and shampoo, along with other personal hygiene products.

As he trudged down the stairs to the front door, he took in the pictures on the walls. Most were of his father. A good number were of him. He wondered what would happen to those pictures after he left.

When he passed the living room, he looked inside to see his mother in her normal chair, watching her normal sitcom as if nothing was happening. 'It isn't her life she's ruining,' Eddie thought to himself bitterly. He tried to reach out to her one last time. "Mom-"

She cut him off before he could even get to the final consonant of 'mom.' "I have no son."

He ran out the door right after that, tears burning his eyes and blood and dirt still covering every open part of his body. Where was he supposed to go? Derry doesn't have a shelter and even if it did, he wouldn't qualify. Not even a shelter would take him in with all of his problems. His friends were all out of the question. Stan would just turn his nose up at him and Bill would be mad and Bev would tell him that he's wrong and Mike would wrinkle his nose like he does sometimes and even sweet, sweet, Ben would be disgusted by him and Richie-

Richie would laugh, and laugh, and laugh, and then cut Eddie out of his life forever which Eddie wouldn't survive. Couldn't survive. Richie's big smile and bright brown eyes and endearing yet annoying personality had wormed their way into his heart and they wouldn't leave no matter how hard Eddie tried. This love would destroy him in the end.

So, no, he couldn't go to any of them. So where was left? The sewers? Not even if death was on his doorstep. The bridge where he was carved like a thanksgiving turkey? Never. 

A voice in his head that sounded surprisingly like Stan said, 'go to the school, dumbass.'

Of course fake-Stan was just as smart and no-nonsense as real-Stan. The school was perfect. It never locked because it's Derry and the only thing that's ever happened was when the carnival came around and a bunch of kids were murdered by a stalker-clown that liked to psychologically torture his victims before he ate them. But the carnival wasn't anywhere near the school so even then, the school had remained unlocked. 

It's probably not safe to be in there, now that he thinks about it, but it's the only place he can go that will still let him shower and rest without drawing attention to himself. He'd just need to get up earlier in the morning to get ready before anyone else could come to the locker room. The locker room was his safest best, he figured. It had shower stalls, toilets, sinks, and the custodians never checked in their anyway. It would smell like teenage B.O. all the time and there was a high chance of athletes foot and it would probably be stifling hot but it was getting cold outside anyway so the warmth would be welcome in a few weeks. Plus, he could use the spare mats to sleep on and the athletes' towels were washed everyday so he could just borrow one.

With a destination in mind, Eddie set off for his new home. It was about a twenty minute walk from his old house to the school but he made it there in fifteen despite the extra weight. The fear of somebody he knew seeing him made him all but run the entire way. Once the school came into view, he slowed down. Kids sometimes hung around school grounds at night to drink or smoke or whatever normal teenagers did with their time. Eddie walked in the shadows, ducking behind walls whenever he heard voices or movement. He made it to the gym doors eventually. From there, it was just a walk across the court to where the locker rooms were.

It reeked of football and extra-strength deodorant but it was home now. He turned the fluorescent lights on and found a spot in the back he figured nobody would be able to see him and took stock of what he had. The medicine would last him a month, maybe two if he used them less than he was used to. He had enough clothes to last him two or three weeks before he would need to wash them. If he spent the $100 he brought wisely, he could use the town laundromat twice a month for six months. That would leave about, give or take, $52 that he could spend on food for the next two months. He'd need to get a job soon if he didn't want to starve or smell bad. He set a framed picture of the Losers in front of where he designated his sleeping area and stared at it for a long time. What would they think of him once they learned what had happened? Would they still look at him the same? Would they turn him out as he feared? Would they even care?

He couldn't tell them. As long as he didn't say anything, he could pretend everything was just as it had always been. They would all hang out and laugh and have a good time until Eddie inevitably died from starvation or hypothermia or some yet-undiscovered disease with no cure. They would all call him their friend and they wouldn't cut him out because they think he's into all of them. Staying silent meant he could at least keep his friends as everything else came crashing down around him.

As he set an alarm on his watch for 5:30, a voice in the darkest recess of his brain whispered it's hope for a swift end soon to deal with less suffering. The front of his mind agreed.

\-----------------------

It had been a month since Eddie got kicked out of his house. He was slowly getting accustomed to his 5:30 wake up time. Most Fridays, Richie or Bill would invite him to sleep over. Eddie always felt bad sneaking down in the dead of morning to take as many snacks as he could for later but it was either that or going hungry. He mentally promised to repay them later when he wasn't, you know, homeless and living from paycheck to paycheck. Mr.Keene had given him a part-time job at the drug store which paid him enough to cover his laundry costs and then some. Eddie was forced to spend time with Gretta but it was a small price to pay for survival. The first thing he did after that first night in the locker room was go out and buy a lock for the locker he designated for his things. He got his job that same day.

Nobody noticed that anything weird was going on. Thankfully or unfortunately, Eddie didn't know. It attested to his survival instincts that he'd been able to hide it for a month, even if Richie did make fun of him for his job. "What, are you going through a midlife crisis? You're working at the drug store? Your mom spending too much time with me to care for you?"

The Losers had all piped up at that point to say "beep beep" which had saved Eddie from reacting. It was hard sometimes when he had to pretend he wasn't affected by Richie's jokes. He was used to the constant jokes about his mom but they were causing him to react stronger than ever and he feared the day he finally snapped and accidentally pushed Richie away forever.

It hurt that nobody could see how badly he was struggling but it also meant that he could pretend for a little longer that nothing was wrong. Sometimes, when he and the others were playing games or exploring or cracking jokes, Eddie was able to forget for a moment that there was nobody left to protect him but himself. His friends would be there for him so long as they didn't know what he was hiding. Life-and-sexuality wise.

It was sort of comforting that Bowers still picked on him. At least he could count on his bullies to never stop being a constant in Eddie's fluctuating life.

School also continued to be a constant. Nobody paid any more attention to him than they had before. He was always in the locker room either early or late enough that all the stragglers had left. There was only one time when Eddie was almost caught and that was because he had woken up later than usual. Brad, one of the seniors on the football team, came into the locker room just as Eddie was stepping out of the shower. He had just enough time to put his shirt on before Brad came around the corner and stopped in his tracks at the sight of a scrawny, wet, half-dressed Eddie who Brad knew for a fact didn't play sports. Thankfully, Brad was one of the nicer seniors and decided not to question anything. Eddie had to take two pumps from his inhaler after that encounter.

One month down, an unknown number still yet to go. Already, Eddie was worrying about what would happen when the school turned off the heat for Christmas break.

\-----------------------

For Thanksgiving, Eddie treated himself to fresh baked cookies from the bakery. He was set to run out of meds next week. He was resolutely not thinking about it until then. He would deal with it when it happened.

The second month was much the same as the first. Gretta was losing interest in bothering him at work which made stocking the shelves and working the register everyday a little more bearable. The Losers still hung out on the weekends and after school and Eddie would join them when his shift ended. He'd seen his mother around a few times and ducked out of sight each time. One of his teachers had seemed concerned when he told her that his mom was too busy to help him with his genealogy project but she never took it to the principal or, worse, called his mom herself.

It was...well, worrying that somebody could survive for two months on their own and nobody noticed.

\-----------------------

His meds ran out a week ago. Mr.Keene told him, after Eddie's convincing lie of his mom wanting to save money for a trip and thus stopping his prescription, that there wouldn't be any problems as long as Eddie didn't worry so much about it.

Obviously, that just caused Eddie to freak out more.

And that's how Eddie ended up sick.

He couldn't call himself out of school so he went everyday anyway. The nurses gave him medicine and strongly urged him not to come until he got better but they just sighed and gave him more meds when he inevitably went to their office the next day.

Mr.Keene didn't let him work as much as he normally did. He said it wasn't good for business if one of his own employees was sick. Eddie saw the logic in it but it didn't mean it made him happy. It meant that he had to find other ways to spend his time outside of the locker room until the football team was done with their game or practice. 

His friends stopped telling him to go home and rest after the second day of Eddie's refusal to leave their sides after school. If they were worried, they didn't say anything more than gently reminding him that he needed to take more medicine or get some rest after they parted ways.

On his eighth continuous day of being sick, Eddie was over it. The cold medicine wasn't doing anything to help and the constant fatigue and stuffy nose was, frankly, something he could really do without. It had been almost three months since he got kicked out. He was sick, and angry, and over his whole situation. So, when Richie made another mom joke during lunch, Eddie snapped. He hadn't really meant to. Richie was just doing what he always did, saying something inappropriate and implying that he was having sex with Eddie's mom. It definitely wasn't worth the outburst that emitted from Eddie's sick-raw throat.

"Beep beep, asshole. Shut your fucking mouth for once in your goddamn life and come up with something that's actually funny to say."

The table went silent. Richie's wide smile left and replaced itself with a thin line of hurt. Eddie only allowed himself one look around the table before he stood up and bolted. His feet carried him to the bathroom where he immediately locked himself in the stall, pulled his feet into his chest, and started crying. He'd done it, he'd pushed them all away for good. He didn't even need to come out for them to hate him. Which they definitely did. Eddie would if he were them.

But Eddie couldn't stop it from coming out. The illness and anger at his situation had turned off his brain to mouth filter and Richie's joke had managed to hit harder than it ever had before.

God, he hoped they didn't cut him out of their lives. They're all he has left. They can't leave him alone, he won't survive. They're the only reasons he hasn't taken the plunge yet. They couldn't leave him. They couldn't, they couldn't, they-

"Eds? Are you in here?" Richie's voice rang through the bathroom and Eddie choked back a scream. Of course Richie would be the one to find him. He pretends not to care about anyone but when it comes to his friends, Richie would do anything for them and Eddie is his best friend. Or was his best friend, if Richie only came to end their friendship. Eddie's breath caught in his throat just at the thought.

A knock came on the stall door. "Eddie, what's wrong?" He paused for answer. When none came, he continued. "I'm not mad at you. Open the door."

A second wave of tears came out of Eddie's eyes like a flood. His shirt was soaked from crying into it. The tears only made the snot worse which did not add to the list of reasons why Eddie should open the stall door.

Richie's quiet "please" did, however. Eddie blew his nose as best he could into a wad of toilet paper and flushed the toilet before he opened the door and looked at his friend. His crush. The stricken look on Richie's face made Eddie hate himself more. He had never wanted to be the cause of Richie's pain.

"I didn't mean it," Eddie pleaded as the tears continued to flow from his eyes. "I like how much you talk. I like your jokes. I just don't like that one. You're funny, Richie. Please, I didn't mean it. I didn't-"

Richie pulled Eddie tightly into his chest as the sobs racked through his body. They stood like that for a while as Eddie let everything poor out. All of the fear he had left internalized, the anger at his mother and Derry for not helping him in his time of need, the pre-planned sadness for the inevitable moment his friends left him out to dry and death took it's hold of him. All of it slipped out from his eyes and found a home in Richie's shirt. The whole time, Richie kept a strong hold of Eddie and rubbed circles onto his back and whispered, "it's all right, Eddie. Let it out, Eddie. You're okay, Eddie. I'm not angry, Eddie. Eddie, Eddie, Eddie…" His name sounded sweet as it fell from Richie's lips. He wondered how much longer he'd get to hear it.

When he finally calmed down, he had no idea how much time had passed. Five minutes? Twenty? Was their lunch period over? 

Richie squeezed him tightly once more before he put a little distance between them so he could look at Eddie's face. He studied Eddie's red-rimmed eyes and tear-streaked cheeks for a moment before he spoke. "Do you want to talk about what's really going on?"

Eddie shook his head fast. No, god, he couldn't. He wanted- needed- this to last as long as it could. Maybe before break he'd be able to tell Richie and the others, before the lack of heat caught in his system and shut down his organs one by one. Maybe right before the reaper showed up in her black cloak and face that looked like his mothers like it had in his nightmares, he would be able to utter every secret he's kept locked inside for so long. But not yet. The angels were still keeping the reaper at bay for now.

Richie didn't push for once. He could tell that this wasn't the right moment to do that. Instead, he just said, "you know I'm here whenever you're ready."

Whenever Eddie was ready. It almost made him break into hysterics again. It hurt more than he thought it would to keep so much from his friends.

A knock came at the bathroom door and Bill's head popped through as it opened. "We have to get to class."

Richie sent Bill a thumbs up as Eddie trudged over to the sinks to splash water on his face. He suddenly realized that both his and Richie's shirts were covered in snot and tears. There was no time for him to go to the locker room to change and he'd left his sweatshirt in the cafeteria. He mentally prepared himself for walking through the halls, visibly looking like he'd just cried, as he saw Richie, in the mirror, toss Eddie's sweatshirt at his back as he zipped up his own. Eddie's heart soared with love.

Bowers called him a sissy and a faggot as he punched Eddie after school. Eddie didn't give a shit. This would all be over soon.

\-----------------------

It was the day before break. The illness had mostly left his system at that point but the cold still made his nose run more often than not. Eddie had been preparing for this day since his outburst at lunch that one time. He was going to tell his friends. Today. He was going to tell them that he's-

"Hey, I have something to tell you all." Bev said out of the blue as they were getting ready to go to class. Nobody else was in the library but them; not even the librarian ate lunch in the library. Most of the time, the Losers were sat in the cafeteria but every once in a while they migrated to the library. Today was one of those days.

Bev's comment made everyone pause in their tracks. Looking down, Stan spoke next. "I actually have something to say, too."

After Stan, the rest of the Losers also mentioned that they had something to tell the rest.

"We only have a minute before we're going to be late," Mike said, always the voice of reason.

"What if we just...all speak at once?" Richie suggested, only half-joking. Surprisingly, the others agreed. 

"Ok, on the count of three." Bill said. "One, two-"

Everyone spoke at once. Stan and Richie both proclaimed "I'm gay" as a chorus of "I'm bi" slipped from the mouths of the rest.

Eddie was the odd one out. As his secret fell from his lips and meshed with the others, he was struck with an overwhelming feeling of stupidity. He had been putting himself into a state of constant fear and depression because he thought his friends wouldn't accept him. And apparently, they all proved him wrong with just two words each. Eddie could have screamed. Of course his friends wouldn't have abandoned him. How could he have even thought that? Eddie smiled wide as he looked around at his friends. They, however, looked concerned.

"Eddie, did you just say you're homeless?" Richie asked, breathless. 

"Yeah. I mean, I'm gay too, but I thought homeless was more important."

All thoughts of going to class flew out the window as the Losers formed a protective group hug around Eddie and threw questions at him left and right. "Where have you been staying?" "How long?" "Is that why you got a job?" Eddie answered each and every question they asked, regaling the tale from the beginning. 

After school, Bill told Eddie to bring all of his stuff from the locker room to his house. Eddie tried to argue, saying that he would be fine, but Bill wouldn't budge. Plus, the thought of spending Christmas with the Denbrough's with a real meal and bed and family was too good to pass on.

Except after the break was over, Eddie didn't leave. Every time he brought it up, Mrs.Denbrough would make sure Eddie know that it was not a problem if he stayed longer. Mr.Denbrough regularly told Eddie that if he tried to leave in the night, he would drag Eddie back to their house if he had to. Their house. Mr.Denbrough hugged Eddie as he cried after the first time he stated that it was as much Eddie's house as Bill's or Georgie's. 

So he stayed. He kept his job at the drug store even though he was told that it wasn't necessary. It made him feel better to be able to contribute even a little to the family that saved him.

Two months after they all came out in the library, Eddie was hanging out with Richie in the latter boys room when said boy admitted to having a crush on him. All Eddie could do was stare, speechless, before surging forward and dragging Richie into a kiss. When he pulled away, Richie's big, brown eyes were all but bulging out of his forehead. Eddie laughed as he stared into Richie's face and rubbed small circles into Richie's cheeks. The taller boy soon dissolved into laughter as well. There were more kisses shared through their time together before Eddie had to go back to (the Denbrough's) his home.

A week later, Stan and Bill announced that they were together. Eddie had no idea he still had the ability to feel as much happiness as he felt in that moment. He had food, a home, friends, and the boyfriend he's wanted since middle school. Eddie wished his mom could see him now, happier and comfortable in himself and finally able to let go of her influence that has haunted him since he could remember.

Not for the first time, and certainly not for the last, Eddie was glad he'd won his fight with the reaper.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> If you thought this version was sad, you should have seen the original. (In case you're interested, Eddie was going to die in the original draft. I changed it last minute because a story about overcoming your circumstances was more important to me than the shock factor of death.)


End file.
